Kathy Belge

I Hate Unloading the Dishwasher!

Chores
DIPSTICK: If there’s one thing about chores, it’s that you’re going to fight about them at one time or another, or regularly. No matter how good a job you think you’re doing on keeping the bathroom clean, it’s not good enough. Here’s what will happen. Your lover will bitch at you for leaving your cereal bowl in the sink. You’ll apologize and promise it will never happen again. And then it will happen again. And she’ll clean it for you, six or seven more times, until she snaps again.



Chores suck; that’s why they’re called chores. Here are a few ways to deal with the division of labor for those dreaded household tasks.

Make a chart. I know, this reminds you of your shared living arrangements in college, but sometimes it’s the only thing that works. Then again, sometimes it doesn’t. If Betsy doesn’t clean the bathroom one week, then when your turn comes up on the wheel, it will be extra disgusting and you’ll throw a fit. Trust me, I know.

Don’t make a chart. Tiger and I have worked out a system that works pretty well. We only fight an average of once a month about chores, so I think it’s mostly successful. We’ve split up the chores. I take out the garbage, vacuum, mow the lawn, change the oil, cook, clean the bathroom, dust, make the bed, clean the litter box and the windows. She fills the ice cube trays. I hate filling the ice cube trays.

Lipstick: Dip, will you talk to Lonestar about how your chores are split up? Even though she’s femme, I want her to be the butch when it comes to chores. I can handle the ice trays.

DIPSTICK: All right Lip, I’ll talk to her, but just keep one thing in mind: She’s not your maid. But maybe you can dress her up and pretend? Think of it: You’ll get turned on and the house will get cleaned all at the same time!

Lipstick: Now you’re talking! Here are some more things you can do, ladies:
Have sex instead of chores. Throw that damn toilet scrubber out the window and grab your dildo instead! That’ll pacify the angst surrounding the dirty house. Once your honey has an orgasm, she’ll forget all about
that cereal bowl in the kitchen sink.

Hire a maid. And a hot one, too. It’s probably best if she’s straight, so the lusting is innocent.

DIPSTICK: I prefer gay male house cleaners. They really get in between the cracks.

Lipstick: Have more sex. Duh. When you feel the anger starting to swell again, have a new sex toy waiting in the wings. If her anger is about the four-foot-high pile of laundry, throw her on the washer, put it on the spin cycle, and show her how the Rabbit Habit works.

Your Bag of Old Tricks and Dicks

Sex toys from the past
Imagine this: So, you’re good and horny and the moment has come for you and your new hot thing to knock the boots. There are candles, there is sexy music, and the mood is set. You’re ready. Then your new girl reaches under the bed and pulls out a black leather harness and a red dildo. You’re even more excited now and can hardly wait for her to get her hands on you. As she’s fastening the buckles, she’s giving you that loaded look. The big night is finally here! Then, as she’s checking to make sure the harness is secure, she winks and unfortunately opens her mouth: "I’ve had this bad boy for years."

Boom! [Sound of inflatable raft losing its air.]

Immediately, you begin to run through a mental Rolodex of all those exes you’ve seen pictures of around the house. Molly from Miami, who had a pet iguana. Ruthie from Rochester, the dominatrix. And Bootsy from Beaver, Montana, who now lives on a lesbian commune somewhere in Wyoming.

They all enter the room as your new love is getting the straps tightened up . . .

Lipstick: Just what you wanted to hear, right?

I suppose there are worse things that your new girlfriend could do or say, but there aren’t many. Recycling your old sex toys -- ones you’ve used with your ex and other lovers -- is a definite homo no-no according to Lipstick.

It’s a turnoff and it’s grody to the max.

Out with vaginal voodoo
Vaginal voodoo: the juju that comes along with sex toys (or anything else) you’ve used or associate with other people, especially another partner. After you go through a breakup, before you start dating again, first, get rid of the Indigo Girls CD you listened to nonstop when you were going through the "transition," and then, if you’re ready, pitch all your former sexual accoutrement, save one or two you can use for a little you-on-you action. And lube is OK to keep, unless you’re seeing someone who’s super insecure. Use your best judgment there.

When you’re going to have sex with your new girlfriend -- one that you think is going to last -- you’d best not use that old vibrator you and your ex buzzed into the ground. If you can afford it, pick up a new toy before you sleep with her. If it’s a one-night stand, old sex toys are fine. Vaginal voodoo won’t matter. If it’s someone you really like, however, then be smart and keep your silicon sacred.

DIPSTICK: Lipstick, I disagree. For those of us trying to preserve the earth, reduce, reuse, and recycle is our motto. That’s why our harnesses are not made of leather, but recycled bicycle tubes. Would you get rid of your bed, your sheets, and repaint your room every time a new lover came into your life? So why should you get rid of your sex toys?

Lipstick: Because you didn’t shove the mattress -- thank god -- in your exgirlfriend’s pussy.

DIPSTICK: Maybe a working class butch had to scrimp and save for that red silicone pecker and she can’t afford to dump it every time a girl dumps her. Instead, there four ways to handle the reused love handle with tact and class:

1. Never mention the last girl you shared your silver ding dong with. Don’t even hint at it. Make love to her like it’s the first time you’ve ever been with a woman. Well, maybe not like that -- you do want to
turn her on right?

2. Put a condom on that thing. This is important to prevent the spread of any diseases, but a condom is also a psychological barrier, keeping the past lover’s energies from entering your new dame’s psyche.

3. Some butches view their "toys" as an extension of themselves while having sex. You wouldn’t suggest she get a tongue transplant or new fingers, would you? The dildo stays, too.

4. Let her know that this toy is for her and her only. Come on now, it doesn’t take Don Juanita to know that no matter what accoutrements you use or don’t use, you treat each and every new girl as if she were the only one special enough for you to take to this special place. Romance her right and she won’t be thinking about the toy between her legs, rather the hot woman handling it.